Being 31 and single at the time of this writing, I have often come to compare “being single” to having a chronic illness. Like with chronic illness, we might notice symptoms and start looking for answers as to why things don’t seem to be working out. Why we’re not progressing in the expected direction of health or, in this case, family. There could be lots of contributing factors and insufficient medical or societal answers or support. We might know that this disease doesn’t define us, yet, it is changing us by nature of its challenge.
I have found this comparison to be helpful in making sense of a painful mystery issue. When I can see it as an unexplained illness, I don’t blame myself so hard. There are so many things that go into it; lifestyle beliefs and choices, genetics (physical and emotional), the societal and physical toxins of today’s world, and the possibility that this is and always was the plan for my highest good.
There are times and situations that can cause embarrassing flare ups such as family gatherings, births, and weddings. These joyful family highlights are tinted in sadness or can even feel devastating, depending on the degree of flare up. Often, loved ones may or may not notice and don’t know what to say if they do. Well-intended words or advice can fall flat or unintentionally injure. Illness can be isolating.
When I compare being single (chronically or not) to having an illness, I can tap into new ideas about how to treat it. It can become a mystery that may be able to be unfolded. Like going to several doctors and realizing the medical community doesn’t have answers for me; I can start to listen to my internal compass for direction.
For clarification, “being single” itself is not what feels like an illness; it’s the accompanying worry, fear, loss, rejection, and general helplessness or hopelessness in the future that are what I mean by “a case of the singles”.
I have learned to believe in more than just our modern medical system and society. I have come to believe in my innate worthiness to be healed. I believe that God is the source of all healing; physical, emotional, or situational. I believe that as I connect with Him, I can listen and be guided in this unique journey and that the end is not in loneliness. I can believe in the promise that the end game is wholeness and connection on all levels; as individuals and families.
The following are ways I have found to address symptoms of loneliness and even heal a bad case of the singles.
- I admit that I am powerless to find my person and that my life plan has become unmanageable.
This is step one in the AA program and applicable to every person. People with more outward forms of addiction just figure this out sooner than those of us with less immediately destructive paths. Step one speaks to our complete dependence on a Higher Power to do life with us and through us.
Step one is synonymous with the act of Surrender. To surrender to a higher power, to become humble, to be willing to be taught and changed by this experience. To stop pretending we know what we are doing or that it’s our fault so we need to fix it. Step one is permission to let go. To accept. To face the creeping pain of loneliness and fear of an altered life. Step one means facing and feeling our pain.
When I can accept that I’m not so good at being in charge of my life, that I maybe don’t have the bigger picture, I can stop trying to fix it myself. Step one says “I can’t”. Step two says “He can”. Step three says “I will let Him”.
- Stop Trying, Start Trusting
Similar to step one, I’ve also found in accepting my current and temporary single state that I can let go of expectations on myself and what my life should be. I have to be intentional about seeing and not believing cultural expectations of my timing. No one knows my path. And the most important thing I know about it is that I’m on it. Sometimes that’s all I know but it is enough.
I recently saw a video about letting go of trying and trusting instead. Previously I’d say “I am trying” when talking about dating and have changed that to “I am trusting.” Trust deeper rather than try harder. Whenever I pray about it, often what I receive is comfort and a reminder to TRUST. And to love myself more. The more I love who I am, the more I’ll attract people who love me too.
For family members and friends that want to know how to support me, I always ask them to pray for me and I ask that they believe in my person and our divine timing too. My people are amazing. They refrain from pity and offer loving words when they know it’s hard anyway. I am grateful for my people that believe in my personal journey and purpose. Again, knowing that I’m on my unique and perfect path is the only thing I have security in, which is true of any situation really.
- Feel it to Heal it
This is maybe my best and most used tool in dealing with life in general but is particularly effective when working on my love life. I am a feeler and always have been so this tool of just really letting myself feel the pain helps me stop working so hard to avoid it. When singles symptoms come on, I try to sit with and really lean into what I am thinking and feeling. I notice where in my body I feel that pain of loneliness or fear and just let it talk.
Occasionally, when I’ve really started getting into my head about it all, I’ll set a timer for 10-20 min and just let the pain come. Let up and out all the stress, all the loneliness, all the ways I’ve been trying to manage my own life again and just let myself hurt and fail and feel it. I will imagine holding my pain out and giving my life to God. It feels like dying but is actually an important and needed spiritual rebirthing process. This is not the most pleasant of methods for treating a case of the singles but it sure as heck feels so much better after that set time; be it 20 min or a rough but redemptive night.
Every so often (all the time), I carry others pain with my own. It’s a gift and a blessing to mourn with those that mourn, and equally as important to give those burdens to the One who bears them for us. Christ felt the full pain of life and death for everyone already. I don’t need to stay single to support other singles or my gay friends or people who have life not happening like they deserve to have it happen. We each have our paths. My faith is in Him and His promises to me and to us all. He makes weak things strong and converts sorrow to joy.
Once we can trust emotions by letting ourselves feel them, we gain confidence that it’s all going to be okay. Feeling it hurts, but it passes and we grow even more because the pain changes us. I’ve found that it changes me into someone I really like being. Someone that I think is internally strong. Someone who is brave and vulnerable. Someone who isn’t alone, who can’t ever be truly alone. And I’m someone who is worthy of love, just waiting a little longer than expected.
